Shoulda Woulda Coulda

Countdowns:
Move in to My Apartment: 10 Days
End of Junior Year: 14 Days
My 21st Birthday: 36 Days
Leave for Rwanda: 52 Days

What I have learned recently:
          Life is jam packed full of some crazy difficult decisions that are unique to every individual. Sometimes, no one you know has been faced by the choice you find yourself up against. This, my friends, is a very unfortunate event in several ways. Unfortunate in the sense that there aren't any precedents to follow or an expert to seek guidance from. There isn't a right or wrong answer necessarily, and definitely not an answer that the second you choose it will suddenly scream that it (and only it) was the best choice for you. Life choices do not ordinarily reap positive returns immediately. Sometimes it takes time, even lots of time, to finally discover that you had in fact made the right decision. 
What's funny is that this is true for the whole spectrum of choices you make in your life. One choice that you are faced with might be easier per say than another one, but it is very rare that you know you were right the instant you make it. 


Examples of such choices: picking the college/grad school you will attend, what your major will be, what career you will have, who you date/marry, a diet/exercise plan

Chose wrong? Well you could end up hating college and deciding to drop out to just go into the workforce. You end up being in tons of debt for no reason. You end up not finding a job that fits your skills. You end up divorced. You end up hating exercise and becoming obese and unhealthy. Etc Etc Etc.


This I find extremely frustrating... For someone who likes to plan in the long-term, I sure do prefer immediate gratification in life decisions. I'm impatient, and that is an understatement. I also loathe being wrong. Truly, madly, and deeply HATE it to be frank. And the very very few times I find myself to be on the wrong side of a decision, I prefer to find out sooner rather than later that I was incorrect. This way, I am able to flip flop if possible or at least cover my tracks.

But what do you do when you find yourself having to make a choice that only you can make? One that there is no one but yourself to turn to for help? One that determines your entire life? Well I know what you do. You make it and hope for the best. But seriously? That is so unfortunate. So truly unfortunate, because it isn't easy. It isn't clear, and you won't find out until much later that it wasn't the right one! Am I the only one that just hates that?! I doubt it...

On top of being impatient, I also find myself to be terribly selfish. I have the basic annoying tendency to always stress over whether or not what I'm "giving up" is worth what I'm getting. I want what works best of numero uno: me. I know, I know... typical... But I'm being honest. I hate finding out that if I had just chosen door B I'd be better off. This even applies to me when I'm choosing a square to put the number 4 in while playing Sudoku. It's a real character flaw... haha! So just think how frustrated and irate I would be to find out I had done something like choose the wrong guy or took a job I ended up hating and that cost me a job I would have loved? One can only imagine...

In short, this entry is just really a vent more than anything. I want what I can't have in terms of desiring the ability to know instantaneously whether my decisions were the correct ones. I'll never have such a gift, and it's something I'll live with. I'll forge a trail instead of taking a well beaten bath and just hope to hell it doesn't lead me off a cliff. What else can you do ya know?

Humph...